Dear Joe,

I'm a type of person who plans my future really ahead of time, I would carefully plan how I would reach my goals and make it a point that things would fall into right places. I may be "gimickera" during my high school and college years, but I managed to keep my grades as high as it can be. I promised myself not to get involved in any relationship not until my last term in college.

In my Last term of college , Vince came into the picture, I may say that I got a crush on him. Vince and I were carpoolmates, I drive him home coz he doesn't have a car. We did some small talks on our way home, he even mentioned to me before how he loves his Chinese girlfriend at that time. Even before Vince and I met, I've seen him and his girlfriend doing some sweet stuff for each other. Unfortunately, Vince was not accepted by his girlfriend's family for he is not Chinese like them. The girl was forced to leave him. My bestfriend, knowing that I liked Vince did everything to hook us up and plans were made with my consent when she learned that the two broke up. Vince and I became classmates in one subject and he started courting me.
Joe, after several months of courtship, we ended up together. My first boyfriend ever! I was so excited . I was idealistic. I wanted things just to be as perfect as it could be. As they say, when you're in love, you tend to do silly things. Yes, I did. I was supposed to graduate with flying colors, but I chose to spend more time with Vince. I dropped one subject and extended my stay in school. I gave all the love and sweetness that I have kept with me for the longest time. But things didn't turn out as how I would want it to be. I remembered the first time that Vince, his ex-gf and I, went to party held by our common friend... Vince never bothered introducing me to his ex-girlfriend as his current one. He never did show in any sweet way that I was his girlfriend...it hurts! I even I learned that they were still writing each other and talking on the phone. When I confronted him about it, he told me that those were just friendly gestures. It's I who he loves and cares for now. He was sorry for hurting me and that he'll make it up with it. I was hopelessly idealistic and even if I got hurt. I have forgiven him, I love him...but the past still haunts me most of the time. Its a matter that couldn't make me move on with our lives. Yes, we ended up together after 6 ½ years of an "on and off relationship". I gave birth to a cute little princess. But recently the "what if" syndrome is killing me badly. I started feeling sorry for myself for not letting other men come to my life, for not letting myself experience the wonder of being in love with someone else, experience more of the sweet stuff. Maybe with them, I'd feel very important. Maybe they'd put me on a pedestal to make me feel that I am really worth keeping . Joe , I do not like what I’m feeling right now . I am still trying to defend that I am not just my hubby's "panakip-butas", still convincing myself that he wanted me and chose me to be her wife not because I'm the next best girl for him but because it is me whom he really loves. Until when will I feel this insecurity? What would be the best thing for me to do now?

jen